A Very Meriadoc Christmas
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: Just in time for the Holidays, Merry has decided to host his own Christmas Special, complete with home movies from other people in Middle Earth! Contains everyone's favorite people, and commentary from Pippin, the co-host. Good Family Fun! Still going, ev
1. Strider Night, Aragorn Night

A/N: It's a new story by me, all set for the Holidays! It's called...well, you saw it already, right? Anyway, Merry is hosting a Christmas Show, and every day or so he's showing different Home Movies from other characters that are from Christmas! It's crazy fun, with a wonderful...er...spin!

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**__**A Very Meriadoc Christmas!**_

_**Episode 1: Aragorn's Home Videos**_

"Hey, folks! It's me, Merry, here with my Holiday Christmas Special!" Merry says, smiling at the camera.

"Hello. I'm Pippin, and I'm the wonderful co-host." Pippin says.

"How'd you get on here?"

"I don't know..."

"Anyway, on my TV show, 'A Very Meriadoc Christmas'"

"Which is sad, seeing as there's also a Peregrin involved..."

"What I was saying was that since it's the Holidays, a time to spend time with those that love you"

"Or, in Faramir's case, those that don't really love you but are related by blood..."

"PIPPIN! Can you STOP interrupting?"

"Sorry, Merry..."

"It's ok. Anyway, as it's the Holidays, a time to spend time with your loved ones and Family, we got this time slot. In it, which is about an hour a weekday, we're going to show you HOME FAMILY MOVIES from all your favorite people in Middle Earth!" Merry says.

"Hey, why couldn't we call this show 'A Very Merry Christmas'?" Pippin asks.

"Because that's a tad cliche."

"Oh."

"Anyway, we have all these wonderful movies from all your favorite people. Some had to be taken by force"

"BOROMIR!"

"Ahem. And some were willingly handed over"

"ELROND!"

"AHEM! And some we just...stole"

"FRODO AND SAM!"

"PIPPIN! But anyway, we all got these tapes. And, since it's pledge week"

"But we're on a cable station!"

"SHUT UP, PIPPIN! STOP CONTRADICTING ME!"

"Sorry, Merry."

"It's _fine._ Just don't do it again." Merry says.

"Sorry, sir..."

"Good. Now, I think today would be a lovely day to start."

"Well, obviously, otherwise why are you on TV?"

"Well, Pippin, maybe because I CAN BE! AND BECAUSE I'M THE MASTER OF BUCKLAND AND BRANDYHALL!"

"Ok, ok, don't have a freakin' oliphaunt..."

"Sorry. You made me loose it. Anyway, today, we're going to start off with Aragorn's home video. I don't know if this is from when he was a child, or when he got married, or maybe both. Either way, let's just watch."

"There's a good idea!"

**Aragorn's Home Video Part 1!**

"Here, Kids! Look what Santa left for you!" Elrond says, lugging out a huge bag of toys.

"Oh, goodie!" Elladan and Elrohir say.

"Wow!" Arwen whispers, amazed.

Aragorn just stands there.

"Well, now, I'll hand out your gifts, and we can all be happy!" Elrond says, chuckling merrilly.

"GIMME THE DAMN PRESENTS!" Elrohir screams.

"Ok, ok! Here, El, have this!" Elrond says, pulling out a large present.

"Oh, joy!"

"And for you, Dan, here!" Elrond says, handing Elladan a bike.

"OOOOOOOOOH! My present is better than yours, El!"

"NO IT'S NOT!"

"And Arwen..." Elrond says, handing Arwen Hadhafing. Which is only his sword that Arwen has in the movies. Didn't you wonder how she got it?

"THANKS, Daddy!"

"And Estel...well, here." Elrond says, handing Aragorn a sock full of lint.

"Oh. Just what I wanted." Aragorn says sarcastically, walking under the mistletoe.

"I LOVE YOU, ESTEL!" Arwen screams, running under and giving Aragorn a kiss.

"EEEEEW! I have COOTIES! I'm going to DIE!" Aragorn screams, running away.

"Oh, grow up!" Arwen huffs, walking away.

**Aragorn's Home Movie, Part 2!**

"Is...is this on? Can you see me?" Aragorn asks, looking into a Video Recorder.

"It's fine! Come on, this dress won't stay pristine forever!" Arwen yells from off-camera.

"Pristine. You have to use words like 'pristine'. Words that only you know what they mean." Aragorn mutters.

"Oh, do grow up!"

"'Oh, do grow up!' Honestly, you think I live with the Queen of England, talking like that." Aragorn says.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, Arwen, dearest. It was nothing. A nonsensical rant Iuttered."

"There, you see, Hooked on Proper Grammer really _has _done something for you!" Arwen says.

"Sure..." Aragorn mutters.

"Honestly, we must start improving your talking. All you do is mutter and roll your eyes! Just like a teenager."

"Sorry." Aragorn says. "THERE!"

"Oh, joy, you've done it!" Arwen says. "I can't breathe in this dress!"

"Well, was I the one that told you to wear it?"

"It was in Vogue! It's very stylish!"

"If you can't breathe, how can you talk?"

"Good question. Now, can we just make our video Christmas card and be done with it?"

"All right. ELDARION! GET OVER HERE!" Aragorn screams.

"Do you have to be so loud? My Elvish ears can't take the strain..."

"Sorry."

Eldarion comes running up. He's about 13.

"Yeah?"

"Don't talk to your father with that ungrateful tone!"

"Sorry. Yes, father?"

"Er, we're making the video Christmas card now."

"Score!"

"Must you use that vile teenage slang?" Arwen mutters, rubbing her forehead.

"Can we just start?"

"Good point, Eldarion."

"Hello, everyone! Dad and Mom, in the Great Beyond, how are you? And Eledan and Elrohir, peace to ya! To Faramir and Eowyn, have a good one! To Eomer over in Rohan, you'd better not throw this out, because postage was murder! To Gimli and Legolas, because they just rock. And the Sam, who started his own co-op. HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY!" Aragorn, Arwen, and Eldarion say that last bit. Aragorn just says the rest.

"There. Done. Now run along and do...whatever it was you were doing before..."

"Oh, 'k, dad." Eldarion says, running off to play Halo 2.

"Have you ever though about taking away his XBOX?" Arwen asks.

"No. He'd just beg us for a PS2."

"Teens are so fickle."

"Fickle?"

**Aragorn's Home Movie Part 3!**

"It's Christmas morn, Aragorn! WAKE UP! I made some nice mulled cider and pancakes!" Arwen says, all sing-songy.

"Wha? I don't wanna go to school..." Aragorn mutters.

"Hey, do you want me to show this tape to Faramir?" Arwen asks.

"DEAR LORD! You're FILMING? I'm in BOXER BRIEFS!"

"Yep!"

"ARGH!"

Aragorn jumps out of bed and hastilly throws on a dressing robe. "I hate this damn thing." he mutters.

"Oh, don't be a downer! Come on, eat your food so we can open presents!" Arwen says.

"Huh?"

They walk into the kitchen, where Eldarion is scarfing down pancakes like there's no tomorrow.

"PANCAKES!" Aragorn yells, running over to stuff pancakes in his mouth.

"Mind you're manners! You're on TV!"

"Turn it off!"

_A few moments later..._

"Now, let's all open gifts..."

"Ok.."

They all sit around, with Arwen sipping her eggnog and opening expensive presents from Estee Lauder.

"Oooh! Look! Faramir gave me perfume!"

"I'm going to have a serious talk with him..."

"Oh, don't be a spoilsport! Look what Eowyn got you!"

"Cologne?" Aragorn asks, confused.

"What did you get, dear?"

"Er...a Game Cube...and some games...and Grand Theft Auto San Andreas..." Eldarion says.

"Ooh! Can I play?" Aragorn asks.

"Didn't you just get a computer game?"

"So? It's not fair!"

"Stop whining, Aragorn, you're on tape!"

"So what? Why can't I get cool games? I always get stuck with Backyard Football!"

"Oh, cry about it!" Arwen says. "You're so immature!"

Suddenly, the tree falls down!

"AIIIIIIII!" Arwen screams, shielding her eggnog from any loose needles.

"Whoa...what the heck?"

"Is that...a...?"

"RACCOON!"

The happy family runs out, Eldarion clutching his Grand Theft and screaming. Eventually, the raccoon runs out and they all go bck inside, although most of the presents have been ripped open.

"Awww, now what kind of Christmas will this be?" Arwen wails.

"It's ok, honey, we'll get through it."

"Are you sure?" Arwen sniffs.

"Yes. Of course. Now, let's clean up and then we can get drunk on eggnog and pass out."

"All right! Let's go. Eldarion! You can play as much Grand Theft Auto as you want."

"ALL RIGHT!" Eldarion says, running off to install the game.

"Ok, you got the eggnog?"

"Of course! With even more alcohol than healthy."

"Sweet!"

And so ends Aragorn's happy Christmas...

"Wow. That was...different..." Merry says.

"I quite liked the bit about the getting drunk on eggnog and passing out." Pippin says.

"You would, Pippin, you would. Next time, like in 2 days, we'll watch Denethor's Home Movie!"

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A/N: Well, now you can see what a wacky holiday season this'll be. If you have a certain request, you can submit it and we'll get right to it. I've got the hobbits scanning the archives. Review to get your 'Have a Very Meriadoc Christmas!' button a t-shirt set today! And the horizontal line thing kind of went weird... 


	2. Denethor Roasting on an Open Fire

A/N: Wow. I got a whole lot of reviews of the last chapter, and hopefully this one is just as good! As a question, are there any LotR names that rhyme with Happy? Just checking. Anyway, some of the requests I got were really good, and I promise to include all those! If you have any more, just tell me.

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_**A Very Meriadoc Christmas!**_

_**Episode 2: Denethor's Christmas**_

"Hey, everyone! We're here with Denethor's Home Movies!" Merry says.

"Hooray!" Pippin says, holding a large glass of what looks like eggnog.

"Where did you get that eggnog from?"

"Oh, Aragorn gave it to me."

"And where did he get it?"

"Well, he also gave me this large 3 gallon cooler of eggnog..."

"Gimme!"

The 2 hobbits eagerly tear into the cooler.

"Oh, yeah, today's episode is entitled, 'Denethor Roasting on an Open Fire'. I don't know why."

**Denethor's Home Movie!**

"Is...is the flash on?" Denethor asks, staring into the camera.

"For heaven's sake, Denethor, it's on!" Finduilas sighs.

"I can see you...it's on, right?"

"What do you think it means?"

"Well, sor-ry!"

"Ok, Boromir, smile for the camera!"

"I don't want to, Mommy! Daddy's scawing me! " Boromir moans. Aww, cute baby Boromir, only 4 years old and pronouncing his r's like w's.

"Now, now, can't you do it for Mommy?" Finduilas asks.

"Ok, fine." Boromir says, putting on the ever-so-cute pouty face. With those puppy dog eyes...

"Good job, son!" Denethor says.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Boromir screams.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Well, maybe your face scared my poor child! I can't believe I left that hottie for you, scaring the kids!" Finduilas yells.

"Please, it's the season of Christmas. Can't we put aside our petty differences and work things out?"

"Oh, where did you get that from?" Finduilas asks.

"My own heart!"

"Yeah, right."

"Ok, Boromir, smile! You too, honey!"

"Don't you 'honey' me, Denethor!" Finduilas says menacingly. "Or I'll whoop your sorry ass."

"Not with the kid around!"

"Ok, I'll whoop your sorry behind."

"Oh, just smile for the Eru-forsaken Christmas card!"

"All right!"

Boromir and Finduilas smile (reluctantly) as Denethor snaps a picture.

"Steward! Get over here!" He yells.

"Uh, you are the Steward."

"Damn!" Denethor swears, throwing the camera down and nearly breaking it in frustration.

"MOMMY! DADDY'S SCAWING ME! HE'S CWEEPY!" Boromir screams.

"For Eru's sake! The child needs speech therapy!"

"AND YOU NEED PARENTING CLASSES!" Finduilas screams.

"WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?"

"Hmm...good question! Probably because you scared Boromir."

"I did not!"

"And why on earth would you give him a name with r's in it? You know he has a speech impediment!"

"Well send him to the THERAPIST!"

"YOU'RE TOO CHEAP TO GET THE BEST THERAPIST!"

"I AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"ARE NOT!"

"You know, if you put what you just said, 'are not', into a sentance, it would be 'I are not!' You have pathetic grammer." Finduilas says, shaking her head and giving Denethor the, _'I wish I never married you, you pathetic asshole' _look that some people are famous for giving.

"Whatever. I hope you know that this is being filmed by those hidden security cameras. And that I have good photographic proof of you hating me."

"Oh, like you'll ever blackmail me. I'm the only person who'd marry you!" Finduilas says.

"She has a point there." Says Servant Bob.

"Well, let's go. We have to have our ceremonial Christmas dinner." Denethor sighs.

"No way am I touching eggnog or rum or any alcohol. I have a few glasses last time, and look what happens? I wake up next to this guy in his shirt." Finduilas says, giving Denethor the Look of Death and pointing a finger at Denethor, poking his chest with every word. "And nine months later..."

"For Pete's Sake, Finduilas, this is PG-13!" Denethor says, blushing. "And that hurt." he adds rubbing the sore spot.

"I was just relating the truth! See what alcohol can make you do?" Finduilas says. "And don't be such a pansy pants."

"Good point." Denethor says. "Boromir, don't do drugs or alcohol. Listen to Denethor, who knows all!" Denethor adds, acting like he's Mr. Psychic or something.

"Mommy, Denethow is scawing me. He's cweeping me out!" Boromir wails.

They walk off...

**Denethor's Home Movies Part 2!**

We see a lovely scene: a woodsy cabin with snow drifts and snow gently falling outside. Inside, Denethor and family are sitting around, sipping mulled cider and listening to Christmas Carols sung in Elvish.

"Aren't the Holidays wonderful?" Denethor sighs, looking at the happy family, consisting of Finduilas, Boromir, age 15 and Faramir, age 14. Now let's all pretend Finduilas didn't die yet. Maybe she's been resurrected for Christmas. And I know they are 5 years apart but WHO CARES?

"Yep!"

"Now, look, kids, I've got some wonderful presents for you!" Denethor says, revealing a huge bag of gifts.

"OOOOOOH!" Boromir screams.

"Say thank you, honey." Finduilas says.

"Oooh, a My Little Pony!" Boromir screams. Obviously someone overcame that speech impediment.

"That's not for you, that's for...your mother's mother's mother's cousin's cousin's cousin's daughter's daughter's daughter. How it got there is beyond me." Denethor says.

"I never get a My Little Pony!" Boromir pouts. (There is a little tie-in a different story. Anyone remember?)

"Oooh, a sword!" Faramir says, nearly tipping over with the weight.

"That's not for you, put it down." Denethor says.

"It's ok, honey!" Finduilas says, comforting Faramir.

"Thanks mom."

"At least Faramir doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"I got over it!" Boromir says.

"You know, Denethor, they always say the first kid is a practice kid. Any mistakes you make with the first one you can change with the second one."

"Oh, so now I'm the messed up kid?" Boromir says, sounding very mature for a 9 year old.

"I never said that..."

"You were implying it!"

"I was not."

"Mommy, what do I get for Christmas?" Faramir asks, using the famed Innocent Little Angel face and the Puppy Dog eyes.

"Whatever you want, shnookums." Finduilas says.

"Yeah, as if. Here, Faramir, have this lovely bag of coal." Denethor scoffs, handing Faramir a bag that says 'Contents under Pressure'.

"Oooh, Chemistry 101!" Boromir exclaims, looking at his gift.

"I didn't know coal contents under pressure."

"It's a safety label, Finduilas. It was an old bag I had lying around." Denethor explains. "Boromir, you need to learn all about Chemistry."

"You mean girl and boy chemistry? Is Pamela Anderson gonna be my teacher?" Boromir asks, getting that tell-all gleam in his eye.

"No."

"Damn!"

"Where'd you pick up language like that, Boromir?"

"Er, dad?"

"What?"

"Anyway, next thing you know, Boromir and his Chemistry set will be making bombs and he'll be trying to blow up Faramir!" Finduilas says.

"Huh? No way!" Boromir says, snapping out of his sick dream about Pamela Anderson, himself, and _chemistry_ and thinking about making little bombs to use on Faramir.

"Stop thinking about you and Pamela Anderson! What, are you thinking about excited electrons?" Finduilas says, snapping her fingers in front of Boromir's face.

"More like excited Boromir...I mean..." Boromir says, still in the weird twistedness of his dream.

"Eeew! Boromir, stop being perverted!"

"Pamela Anderson..."

"Ok, this Christmas just got weird." Denethor says.

"No, really?" Finduilas says.

"Anyway, here, Boromir, I got you this." Faramir says.

"OMG! A lifesized cardboard cut out of Lady Arwen Undomiel AND Pamela Anderson!" Boromir screams.

"Told you he'd like it."

"Hello, Miss Anderson. How are you?" Boromir says, trying to look all hot. For something not even real.

"Next thing you know he'll be sleeping with it." Faramir says.

"Want to head back to my place?" Boromir asks Pamela.

"What about Arwen?"

Boromir reveals a shirt he has that says, "Big Pimpin'"

"Oooh, you player!" Faramir says.

"Haha." Boromir says, grabbing the 2 cardboard cutouts and having them sit on his lap. Which is a bit hard.

"Anyway, let me get this fire going again..." Denethor says.

Suddenly...

"AHHHH! IT'S BURNING ME!" Denethor screams, running around with the fire at the bottom of his robes.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL, DEAR!" Finduilas says, then resorts to laughing.

"Don't even come NEAR me and Arwen and Pamela!" Boromir says.

"AHHH!" Faramir says, ducking behind the couch. "It's just your dad, it's not you, it's just your dad, it's not you!" He mutters, rocking back and forth. "Fire...is...not...my...friend!"

Eventually, Denethor gets the fire out and then walks around. Boromir goes to his room with Arwen and Pamela and Faramir goes on a jaunt through the woods. Finduilas goes back to the Dead People's Home, where she turns into a ghost once more after materializing into flesh.

Thus ends Denethor's Christmas.

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A/N: Sorry about the delay on this one. I promise to get more out before Christmas. Next we'll have Christmas at Barad-Dur. Any other suggestions, please send them my way! 


	3. Hark the Herald Nazgul Sings!

A/N: Well, the Holidays are over, but this Story isn't! Hahahaha! I have about 12 more chapters (or something like that) so we'll all just let this one run it's course or something. If it hangs around until Valentine's Day, we'll throw in a chapter on that. Anyway, enjoy!

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_**A Very Meriadoc Christmas**_

_**Episode 3: Christmas at Barad-Dur**_

_In the Studio.._

"Hello! I hope you had a good Christmas!" Merry says.

"I know I did! I got a Frequent Drinker Card at the Green Dragon! Some lady out there really 'gets' me!" Pippin beams.

"How did you know that it was from a girl?"

"Are you suggesting that there are MEN out there that think I'm CUTE?" Pippin screams.

"Well, no, it's just..."

"SPIT IT OUT, MAN!"

"Well, did you know that LEGOLAS got that for you?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Pippin screams, running off screen.

"Anyway, enjoy this little bit of Video from Barad-Dur and Minas Morgul."

**Christmas at Barad-Dur**

Orcs are walking around with Tinsel and other christmas-y things, listening to techno music like 'The Hustle' and hanging tinsel up.

Orc 1 (Jim) and Orc 2 (Kevin) are busy decorating the Tower and singing evil parodies of White Christmas and Winter Wonderland.

"Fsssshssshweeshhhshh!" Sauron says (Translation: "Hey, can you guys get me a giant Santa Hat?")

"Sure, boss!" Jim says.

They walk back down the tower and pause to look at their handywork, admiring those giant life size inflatable snowmen that are lurking around corners and the moving reindeer that are hung up in the wall.

"It's so pretty, isn't it, Jim?" Kevin asks.

"Sure, whatever."

"What's wrong, Jim?"

"It's the Christmas season, Kevin, and I'm upset. Santa never comes round here, and Sauron's kind of cheap with his presents. I never even get cards any more." Jim says sadly.

"Oh. Well, I just got you some really cool gifts, so don't worry!" Kevin says. "Here!"

"A Village People CD!" Jim says. "Thanks!"

"Yeah! Now let's get Sauron his Santa Hat. Then we can go to the local Vegan place and get some tofu burgers and soy shakes." Kevin says.

They walk off, Jim in a considerably better mood. 10 minutes later, they return with a giant-sized hat for Sauron.

"Fssswssshaweewwsssss!" Sauron hisses. (Translation: "Maybe we should give the prisoners a bit of cheer.")

"Good Idea, boss!" Kevin says. Jim and Kevin walk down to the Dungeons of Barad-dur.

"Hello, Prisoner!" Kevin says.

"Letssss ussss outsss, prescioussss, yesss!" Gollum says.

"Actually, we're here to give you a bit of Holiday cheer. We brought the Orc Choir."

"Deck the Tower with some Holly, Falalalala, la la la la! Tis the season to be Orcish! Falalalala la la la la!" The Orc Choir sing.

"That'sss beautiful...yesss." Gollum says.

"And we got you a gift!"

"It's a copy of the Ring!"

"We got the same thing for Sauron. Now everyone can have the Ring! Does not make you go invisible or give you supreme power." Kevin says.

"Oh Burning Eye, Oh Burining Eye, how pow'rful you really are!" The OC (Orc Choir) sings.

"That's a new spin on things." Jim says.

"Thanksss for the giftsss. Can I getsss some Egg nog?" Gollum asks.

"Sure!"

Kevin runs upstairs to get some Egg nog for Gollum.

"Joy to the World, Sauron is back! He killed some people yeah!" the OC Sings.

"Here's some Egg nog for ya!" Kevin says.

"WHEEE! Egg nog for Gollum!"

Gollum drinks about 50 glasses of Egg nog and passes out.

**Christmas at Minas Morgul**

The Nazgul are busy decorating the Fell Beasts with Tinsel and ornaments, and screeching Christmas Carols and wrapping up presents.

Suddenly, the Orc Choir pops up and starts to sing.

"Hark the Herald Nazgul Screams, Golry to the Evil King! No more peace and mercy Mild, Die you humans by us Nazguls!" the OC sings.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Nazguls yell, chasing away the OC.

"Sheesh, try to liven up the Holidays and this is what you get." Orc Singer 2 says.

The OC runs back to Barad-dur as the Ringwraiths shake their heads and open their presents.

**Back at Barad-dur**

"Hey, I think that if we interrogated Gollum, he'd tell us ANYTHING!"

"Good idea!"

And so, the people at Barad Dur find out how Frodo has the Ring.

"Hey, we're back! Wasn't that COOL? Next time, we shall have Frodo's Christmas! Yay!" Merry says.

"Whatever." Pippin says.

* * *

A/N: Hope you liked it. Next will be Frodo, followed by Legolas. Hope you enjoyed it! Drop me a line! 


	4. All I want for Christmas is my Finger Ba...

A/N: Hello, all I am back with Frodo's Christmas. This chapter is entitles (as you saw) 'All I want for Christmas is my Finger Back'. Three guesses where that came from. Anyway, enjoy!

This chapter is dedicated (not really, but it should be) to Ryan "Fro" because I so blatantly stole his nickname to give to Frodo. So, Fro, this is for you...Fro-do Baggins! (believe it or not, I call him that)

* * *

_**A Very Meriadoc Christmas!**_

_**Episode 4: Frodo's Christmas**_

_At Merry's Place..._

"Hey, everyone! We just got through making these VMC Christmas Shirts because the stupid plant was closed during the holidays" Merry starts.

"Yeah, I mean, who closes during the Holidays?" Pippin asks.

"Er... Anyway, these shirts are to our loyal reviewers! You know who you are! Here you go, happy belated holidays!" Merry says, handing out these black shirts that have a green wreath encircling that picture of Merry and Pippin from the Return of the King (the one you could get if you got the soundtrack). On the back, it says, _"Have a Very Meriadoc Christmas! And a Peregrin New Year!" _

"Happy Holidays!" Pippin screams, tossing confetti in the air. It gets into the drinks he and Merry have.

"And why are you so happy?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out!" Pippin says.

"Fine, be that way."

**Frodo's Christmas Part 1**

Frodo and his mom and Dad (Drogo and Prim, I know her real name but don't wanna type it...) are sitting around a fireplace and sipping tea (Looks like Denethor's Christmas). Drogo pulls out the gifts and lil' Frodo eagerly tears into them.

"Now now, Fro, be calm about it! You don't want to have another "incident", do you?" Drogo asks.

"What incident, Dad?" Frodo (Fro) asks.

"The INCIDENT!" Prim says.

"Fine, just gimme a present and I'll shut up." Frodo says.

Drogo hands Frodo a little box. Frodo opens it and pulls out a Light-Up Sting Sword with Combat Noise!

"Wow! Thanks daddy!" Frodo says.

"No problemo, Fro."

"Here, Prim," Drogo says, handing his wife a Burgandy Box.

"OMG! Helzburg Diamons!" Prim says, hugging Drogo.

"YAY! FINAL FANTASY!" Frodo screams, running up to his room.

**Frodo's Christmas 2!**

Frodo, now considerably older, is sitting around, reading Reader's Digest and sipping Tea. He's also listening to Christmas Carols sung by a Hobbit Choir when there comes a knock at his door.

"Mr. Frodo?" Sam calls from the outside, the sounds of screaming children heard all the way inside.

"Did he bring those stupid bratty children?" Frodo grumbles, walking to the door and opening it.

"Heya, Mr. Frodo sir!" Sam says, trying to stop the yougest of his 13 children from running onto the grass.

"OI! GET OFF MY GRASS!" Frodo screams, waving a quill in the air.

"Sorry." Sam says, giving the offending kid a good whack upside the head.

"Owww... Hey, dad, is this the crazy weird guy who's missing a finger?" Says Sam's 2nd child (And I'm too lazy to go look up their names, so pwah!)

"What did you just call me? Huh, punk?" Frodo asks.

"Now, now, here's your gift." Sam says, hastilly giving Frodo a package.

"I called you crazy and weird, Uncle Fro!" Says the same kid.

"WHAT?" Frodo screams, as Sam takes his kids away and Frodo slams the door. "GOOD RIDDANCE!"

Frodo walks back inside, swearing at the radio and giving it a good kick, then walks back to his seat.

"All I want for Christmas is my finger back, my finger back, my finger back..." Frodo sings sadly.

He opens the box and sees...earmuffs, a matching scarf, and gloves.

"How am I fuckin' supposed to wear gloves when I'm missing a fucking finger?" Frodo screams.

Frodo tosses the offending gloves into the fire, but somehow they don't burn up!

"Hmm...wonder if I touch it if it'll be hot..." Frodo picks up the glove and amazingly, it's not hot!

"AHHH! Last time I got something like this, it was evil! AHHHH!" Frodo screams, running around the house, holding the glove an arm's lenght away and screaming. He finally stops.

"Hmm. Maybe I should check with Gandalf on this one... " Frodo says, dialing Gandalf's number on the phone.

"Uh...hello?" Gandalf asks grogilly on the other end.

"Gandy? It's Fro. I have a glove here, and when I tossed it into the fire, it didn't burn. In fact, it's quite cool."

"Er...hang on, lemme clear up some business..." Gandalf says, putting the phone down. Indistinct talking is heard on the other end. One voice sounds like a woman's.

"Uh, Gandalf, are you messing around with one of the Maia again? Hmm?" Frodo asks.

"Don't be a fool, Fro. I'm not doing anything with one of the Maia." Gandalf says.

"Uhhuh, sure." Frodo says.

"Anyway, so, you've got this glove that won't burn and isn't hot even when you pull it from fire?"

"Yep."

"Sounds like you'll have to destroy it. It's one of Sauron's evil gloves."

"Can't I just give it to him as a gift?"

"Er...sure, Fro, I don't see why not."

So Frodo sends Sauron his evil Glove thing. And so Ends Frodo's Christmas.

"Wow. That was something else." Merry says, shovelling large amounts of popcorn into his mouth.

"Sauron has evil GLOVES?" Pippin asks, dropping the pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream he was inhaling and staring at the screen.

"Well, er...let's hope we don't get sucked into some crazy quest again." Merry says.

"Yeah. Enjoy the shirts, everyone!" Pippin says.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, it was weird, so what? Anyway, next we will have Legolas's Christmas, and then Elrond's Christmas! Enjoy! 


	5. Have Yourself a Mirkwoodian Christmas

A/N: I don't care that Christmas is 3 months past; it's still a good time for this story! We can celebrate Christmas all year long! Anyway, now we shall have Legolas's Christmas, followed by Gimli's Hanukah (by request) and Boromir's Christmas. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

**_A Very Meriadoc Christmas_**

_**Episode Five: Have yourself a Mirkwoodian Christmas**_

"Hello, viewers! Welcome to our after-Christmas specials! We all want to know how we've managed to stay on the air, but you know what? Maybe now isn't a good time! So here we are!" Merry says.

"Yeah! My question exactly." Pippin mutters.

"And, anyway, you can celebrate Christmas anytime, simply because…you…can." Merry adds.

"That and because we forked over a freaking lot of money to air this show." Pippin adds.

"That, too. Anyway, we now present to you: Legolas's Christmas!"

**Legolas's Home Christmas Video, part 1!**

"Look! Mommy, look! There's SNOW! On the GROUND! It's WHITE!" Legolas screams, pointing out the window.

"Uh, yeah, snow generally tends to be white." Legolas's mom says. (If anyone knows her name, please, tell me.)

"And it's cold, too!"

"Yes, Legolas, snow is usually cold."

"Is that child going on and on about obvious qualities of snow?" Thranduil asks, storming in.

"Uh…yeah." Legolas's mom says.

"Damn it, Legolas! We all know snow is white and cold."

"Well, pah ha ha!" Legolas says, sticking his tongue out.

"Legolas, you're 13! Act like it!" Legolas's mom says, whacking him in the head.

"Owww!"

"Why my kid? Why me?" Thranduil asks.

"Anyway, it's CHRISTMAS, Dad! Didja know that?" Legolas asks.

"Yeah. A lot of people knew that." Thranduil says.

"Look what Santa left you!" Legolas's mom says.

"OOOOOH! A shiny COMB! And a mirror, too! Ooooh!" Legolas says.

"This child is seriously disturbed."

"Hey, everyone!"

"Uncle Haldir!"

"Yeah, it's me! I heard the sounds of an Elvish Princeling getting beat up, so I stopped by! Are those PRESENTS?" Haldir asks.

"Yeah, Uncle Haldir! They're PRESENTS and they're WRAPPED in PRETTY COLORED PAPER!" Legolas says.

"Uh, yeah, most presents generally are that."

"Here, Haldir, this is yours." Thranduil says.

"Ooooh, a shiny sword!"

"Haldir, Uncle Haldir, I got a MIRROR and a COMB!" Legolas screams.

"A mirror and a comb?" Haldir asks, lip twitching. "Bwahaha, that's pretty funny!"

A tear comes out of Haldir's eyes as he laughs with mirth.

"Anyway, Haldir, what did you get?" Thranduil asks.

"Uh…a lot of clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch." Haldir says.

"I love Abercrombie!" Legolas squeals.

"Uh…"

**Legolas's Christmas Part 2!**

"Have a holly jolly Christmas, it's the best time of the year…" Legolas sings, walking around and putting up holly and ivy and stuff like that. He is now about 1,500 years old...or something equivilent to the age of a 20 year old in Elf terms.

DING DONG! the doorbell says merrily. Legolas runs over to the door and opens it!

"Why, Elrond, how simply charming to see you!" Legolas says.

"Yeah, yeah, look. I have urgent business. Look. Arwen, she's in love with this Aragorn creature—literally, a creature, he hasn't bathed in weeks! Months! YEARS! EONS! Anyway, my fine Elf friend, this Aragorn—creature—is a HUMAN! A HUMAN, I SAY! And Arwen, what is she? And ELF! And my foolish, hormone-struck, lovesick, lusting-after-Aragorn little daughter said she'd…she'd…give it up for him!" Elrond says.

"Wait, what? Lusting-after-Aragorn? And, wait…she'd give what up? Damn, Elrond, you'd better check the beds at your place, I have a feeling you're going to be a grandpa soon!" Legolas says.

"NOT THAT, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!" Elrond screams. "Her Immortality! Man, are you thick!"

"Well, you don't have to run around making it sound like her and Aragorn are going to start the child making process!" Legolas says.

"LEGOLAS! Try to be discreet, ok? We're Elves, not those crude men! We must conduct ourselves properly!" Elrond screams.

"Ok, ok, Elrond, I'm sorry. You just had me…so…scared."

"Ok. And, with my foolish daughter running around after this guy, I've been thinking: we'd best set her up with an Elf so she doesn't…I dunno, die."

"Ah, a wise idea."

"And, my fine Legolas, I was thinking: you have the same build as Aragorn—"

"What, you mean a firm ass? I know, I had to work years for this ass." Legolas says.

"GAHHH! LEGOLAS! Please, can't you just forego your stupidity for one second! Look. You have the same facial features, height, and, even though it pains me to say it, _ass_, as Aragorn. So, what I'm saying is—"

"You want me to kill Aragorn?"

"NO! No, you incompetent FOOL! I want you to pretend to be Aragorn!" Elrond screams, nearly popping a vein.

"OH! I think I can do that…especially with this ass." Legolas says.

"Dear sweet lord." Elrond mutters.

Legolas walks around in front of a couple mirrors, trying to see if his ass really does look like Aragorn's.

"Now, Legolas, are you listening? Good. Now, what you'll have to do is dye your hair brown, cut it a bit, not bathe for a couple weeks—or to shorten that, you can just rub some Vaseline in it—and forego the clothes of your Mirkwood kin for the appropriate Ranger wear." Elrond says.

Crash.

"Legolas? Legolas, are you ok?" Elrond asks.

Legolas has just knocked over his mirror in horror.

"Not…not bathe? Cut…cut…cut my hair? You can't be serious!" Legolas screams.

"Legolas, look. There's a nice little perk to this, if you will, _sacrifice_." Elrond says.

"_What_?" Legolas whispers venomously.

"You can…ah…make out with Arwen." Elrond says.

"SCORE! Sure, I'll do it!"

"Good, good." Elrond says evilly, walking out.

"My. That was pretty weird." Merry says.

"Are you kidding me? That was crazy!" Pippin says.

"Oh, well."

* * *

A/N: I suppose that chapter was a bit…weird… Anyway, if you review, I'll hand out my Fellowship and Friends Valentines, so you can get your choice of the Fellowship or whomever else there is in the movies. Just claim with your review! 


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